I'm definitely overanalyzing my first words here... Why do I care so much what others think? I want your immediate approval. Too late, I know. Thus the need for anonymity. That and the fact that I already know I want to say a few things that will offend those whose approval I actually have. So let me get to offending...
Today's Topic: Your children... yes, your precious gifts to the world you thirty-somethings out there... please, and I do mean with all respect, please try and pepper your conversation with things totally unrelated to your children. I'm not even asking you to stop talking about them (partially because I try to avoid exercises in futility), I'm just saying keep an interesting topic or two aside that doesn't contain the words "Guess what Timmy said the other day..." You may think this doesn't describe you, parent of toddlers, but much like the Kevin Bacon game, I can relate any of your musings to your children within 6 degrees or less. Some of you don't even try, and as cute as it was in the moment when little Janie shot snot out of her nose and created a master work of art, I'm not in the mood. God, that feels good to say!!
I know it is the age I'm at, 37, that surrounds me with babyshowers, one-year-old birthday parties, and 80 percent of my facebook friends' profile photos being of fingers, toes and ultrasounds. I also know that if I think I might ever want a child, I better shit or get off the pot. I'm not totally opposed to the idea, I'm just repelled and terrified of losing myself. I know that having a child completely rocks your world. Hell, my world has been rocked, rolled, shaken, stirred, and tumbled by the mere fact that so many of my friends have had children! Just within the last six months I have suffered the following indignities: 1) registered for the Babies R Us frequency club, 2) blind tasted uber amounts of vomitous baby food in hopes of winning the door prize and 3) had a child shit in my bathtub... twice. One highlight to ease the pain was that on the way to one babyshower, I passed a neon sign at a strip club that read "Hundreds of pretty girls and three ugly ones." I don't know why that still cracks me up, but I digress...
Some of you may think I'm a callous, child-less bitch. I will only make one correction... I am "child-free"... for now anyway.
